We have officially moved into the transition to autumn from summer. This is my favorite season for many reasons. I am a gardener – so I get to harvest what I grow. The earth slows down its growth process, and makes way for winter to come.
I learn so much from nature. I am always glad to have visuals to see things that I can incorporate into my own life changes. I am in midlife – I am a coach, a spouse, a mom, and a grandma. Much has changed over the last few decades for me. I thought that my 20s and 30s were growth times with marriage and having my children. Clearly, I can see some of my greatest changes coming in my 40s as I entered my midlife journey. Children started leaving home, and I found myself trying to figure out my second act of life. My work was mostly in the medical and dental field in management roles. Those were great jobs in that I could schedule my time with my children and still earn income. My marriage was great, family life was great…And then I turned 50.
No, I didn’t get divorced, and my family and I have great relationships. So no heartbreaking stories here. But something significant changed in me. I realized that I had been deeply consumed with making sure that everyone else in my life was always taken care of. I finished my associate’s degree in my 20s and worked while my husband finished college. The profession that I thought I would work in didn’t transpire. I realized that I was good at putting order to things after working for several years in offices as a front desk receptionist. I managed a few dental practices. But by the time I turned 50 – I realized that I was simply bored and not challenged anymore. Work became difficult – there was a lot of stress and as my kids aged, I realized that I needed to do something that would give me more time with them as adults.
When my last child graduated from high school, I went back to college. Over the course of 5 years, working and going to school, I graduated with my bachelor’s degree in Marriage and Family Studies. It was not even on my radar that I would study those subjects. I thought I would be in business for the rest of my life. I realized that I liked people, I was great at providing good customer service – what I loved more was hearing our patient’s stories of their lives. I did that with my co-workers, with those I go to church with, and with my family. I found that I was really invested in the stories of people’s lives. I also found that I wanted to learn about the makeup of their families – marriage, children, sibling relationships. All of this was deeply meaningful to me. When I started my major, I realized that this is what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to help people with their stories – their past stories and how it related to the present and to bring them to a place of thriving and flourishing. So, I really loved studying about how to make family dynamics healthy and robust. I enjoyed studying about how to fortify marriages. I felt that I wanted to share what I learned with others. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was learning things that I could get enthusiastic to share. This began a new season of my life – a season of generativity.
Erik Erikson, a psychologist, theorized the stages of psychosocial development. These stages create a framework of understanding how a person’s personality and sense of identity evolve through their life span. Each of the stages presents us with a unique “psychosocial crisis” or conflict that we resolve to develop key psychological strengths or virtues. The seventh stage is generativity vs. stagnation. This is roughly between the age of 40 to age 65. In the previous stage, we focus on forming close relationships, resulting in stable, long-term connection. The virtue cultivated is Love. In the stage representing midlife, we cultivate a sense of accomplishment by contributing to future generations or the community we live in. The virtue developed is care. We gain experience in life up to about age 45. This includes all of our life learning – not just the things we learn in formal education settings. In our midlife, we often get opportunities presented to us to mentor and help develop the next generation. This is generativity. We can see this fostered in us as we are active in our parenting roles, as we mentor others, and become grandparents and caregivers. Our work often feels productive, we can creatively express ourselves (new hobbies, and new learning) and we may be seen as leaders. In our community, we can volunteer, be involved in civic engagement, and take care of the world we live in The crisis we try to overcome at this stage is stagnation. Stagnation in this stage turns us inward. We can become self absorbed, neglect our important relationships and socially isolate. Midlife often comes with feeling stuck – no personal growth or fulfillment. A midlife crisis can present when we feel we have missed out on opportunities or have regrets about our life. And we can become resistant to change.
Generativity can foster optimism and hope. It helps us to see the progress we are making and our desire to learn and do more. Going back to school helped me to look at talents and gifts that were waiting inside me to be cultivated. I found an entirely different work that I wanted to be engaged in, which has been life-changing. I see the growth in others, which fosters hope and optimism in me.
Midlife career changes often occur because of stagnation. We may feel that our jobs are routine and not fulfilling. There is a ripple effect into our family life, in our friendships, and even in our personal development and growth. If you are finding yourself having difficulty navigating midlife, this is one part of your development to look at. Do you feel like you are experiencing personal growth and progress? Do you feel like you still have something to contribute? Empty nesting can create stagnation as well. Both parents, not just mothers, have adjustments when their children leave home. Marriages can stagnate at this time as well. It is really common to have feelings of the “midlife blahs”. If you are struggling to navigate these changes, there is help and hope. Generativity is possible to cultivate and revitalize in your life. Remember that this is a stage with a crisis that needs resolution. It is something that each of us will experience in some form. Coaching is a way to formulate your process to create what you desire in this new season of life. You are not alone to navigate this. Sometimes we need a generative person to help us to see where we are stagnating and invite us to growth.
At nearly 59, I feel like this has been one of the best seasons of my life. I have come to see the need for change in midlife and the generative nature of this time of being the mentor, leader, friend, community responder, parent, and grandparent.
So – let the “leaves” go, bring on the change of season, and see that a season of thriving could be in midlife.
Lisa Sowards Coaching 
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